Tonight we started off with dinner and worship here at For The Love, a christian retreat/photography workshop in Tennessee. As Ginny and her brother were singing I just closed my eyes: it was half out of pride and half because I didn’t know the words. I feel like the Lord gave me a vision when I had closed my eyes.
I saw a beautiful, colorful, high tower in a field and immediately knew what it represented.
My pride, in all of its loneliness and self-guarding attributes just keeping my spirit captive in the walls of its city.
Since my Dad blindsided me 6 years ago when he left my mom, I had decided never to trust anyone too much again, and I think this included not trusting the Lord fully ever again. It was Him, after all, who allowed this to happen to me and my perfect family. My christian “walk” since then has been guarded, but with only a tiny bit of surrender. I do not trust that the Lord will take care of everything, so I make sure that I’ve got it under my own control. I plan out all of the events in my life, how I can make them work and the backup plans for everything… there is minimal trust, but saying that you have it is a nice thought, you know. I then took on the role of the umbrella and provider for anyone in my family. I felt like someone had to fill the shoes that were left empty, and I knew that in my own strength I could accomplish it if I worked hard enough, got famous enough or was headstrong enough.
Tonight when I was seeing this tower in my head, it was really quite beautiful with different levels and colors sparkling and swirling. It was a masterpiece. I have built a tower of pride around myself, with very thick walls, to protect me from people who would hurt me and from the Lord’s scary, but never failing hand.
I have always known that I have tremendous pride, not necessarily in my photography, although there is some there, but mainly in knowledge, self- sufficiency and self preparation. Are you noticing all of the “Selfs”? Although I have known and will readily profess my pride to anyone who asks, I still haven’t wished them to pray for the Lord to break the walls of this fortress down. I am too afraid of what He will do. He could wreck my business and then I would be left with nothing, he could take someone away from me that is so precious, he could send me to a foreign country as a missionary and I would have to trust in Him every day to bring me the necessities of life. I have never asked Him to break down my walls, because I knew that He would, and that I would have to begin to TRUST Him again. He would break them down and come in and rescue me from my pitiful “self” sufficient self.
That is more scary than anything else I have ever been through. Tonight for the first time I asked the Lord to break down these city walls. My beautiful, safe, sparkly city and make me new.
My pride doesn’t want me to agree, but I know that if I trust in the Lord again, the spirit of fear and pride that haunts me daily and guards this city will evaporate and all that will be left is me as a weak, weak being.
His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
Send for Your light and Your truth, Lord, and break the bonds of pride in my life. Stir the waters of Bethesda and let me heal.
by Lauren Clark
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